I was thinking to myself today. What is it that set me off so much during the Christmas holidays? I was in kind of a "valley" the whole time I was home. At first I thought it was the depressing grey weather we had there. Every day between 30 and 40 degrees and grey. Global warming greeting me every time I stepped out the door. But no - the weather alone doesn't explain it. I've lived through several winters of truly miserable depressing weather in northern Europe, with hardly any of the fun white stuff and no sunshine, either. And I wasn't depressed during all of that. Ok, for 2 of those winters, I guess I was, but I know the weather was not the reason. It was loneliness, and the feeling of inadequacy when you see the world in shades of grey, while everybody else sees color and seemingly passes you by. Hey I don't mean to dramatize what I was going through. That is bygone times and I'm over it.
So what was it this holidays that set me off? The proverbial "Christmas Blues"? The feeling that when you go wherever you go for the holidays, you expect it to be something special - and it just isn't? Because this one was certainly the same old, same old. The same dinner table at my parents. The same relatives in Chicago, bless their souls (and I do, cause they're all I've got). The same ride in the minivan with my parents to church on Christmas Eve. The same people in the half-empty church that feels so without character, warmth, history. It just felt like I'd stuck myself in a time machine and gone back a whole lot of years. Nothing besides my current job and financial situation was any different than it was before.
I know there are people would would kill to have the chances I've been given in life. There are also people with goals in life. People quite a bit younger than me. But that just isn't me. For one, I don't really know what makes me "happy". I don't believe life is all about "winning" and "reaching your goals". For me to stand here and tell you "this and that will make you a happy person" would be complete bullshit. For one I don't even know for myself. Beautiful women? Nice cars? Money? I've tried a little of all. And they're nice. But leave you feeling empty. There is one thing that would be satisfying. That would be waking up to a certain someone every morning whom I'd be so happy to be with and I would look forward to spending my entire day and I would never get tired of talking to or just hanging out with. Well, I had that chance once, and I let her go. Maybe she wasn't the right one. I just really didn't know and the decision to stay in a foreign country the rest of my life was just too tough.
Going back to where I started. I guess what bothered me most about this Christmas was I didn't want to experience it alone, and I ended up doing just that. And spending the Christmas the way I always have, I was reminded of all the situations in my childhood growing up, and got the very strong impression really nothing has changed in my 34th Christmas. Sure I've got the job in California and the apartment and the decent late-model car. But I still don't have "it". Before you think, just plug in "woman" and everything's ok: something tells me that ain't it, either. You don't stop criticizing yourself just because a partner or lover is around. It just recedes in the background for awhile. And comes back at a later, usually inopportune time. So I suppose, I should try something new - anything - anyone - and get over my past mistakes, and my thinking, and soul-searching, and complaining.
Will that do it though?
